Never Say Never...

I never thought I wouldn't marry him.
I never thought I'd leave him.
I never thought I'd be strong enough.

Never say never...

I never thought I'd move on.
I never thought I'd love again.
I never thought I'd be happy again.

Never say never...

I never thought he'd behave like this.
I never thought he'd be so childish.
I never thought he'd stoop this low.

Never say never...

I will never date a Malay guy.
I will never be loved again.
I will never laugh again.

Never say never...

I will never like flowers.
I will never like dolls.
I will never like surprises.

Never say never...

I will never say sorry.

I will never feel beautiful.
I will never give in.

Never say never...

I will never love again.
I will never make love again.
I will never be happy again.

Never say never...

I have never had so much fun.
I have never gone on a roller coaster.
I have never been more sure of myself.

Never say never...

I have never been happier.
I have never been stronger.
I have never been this confident.

Never say never...
Never say never...
Never say never...

Jeju My Ass...

When I discovered that I will be heading to Seoul for my 6 month Cultural Partnership Programme I started noticing that suddenly I was surrounded by everything Korean...

Coincidence? I don't know...even when I was out shopping in KLCC with my mom, everyone that seemed to be around us was Korean...I kid you not! Korean families were out and about buying clothes for their kids in Isetan and they were speaking Korean...my mom raised her eyebrows and asked "Is this a sign or what?"

So I wasn't surprised when I saw an ad on Astro about JEJU ISLAND...when I saw the ad...I said to myself..."When I get to Korea, I MUST make it a point to visit this "beautiful" island. So after about a month in Seoul, our darling coordinator Eun Hee suggested that we apply to the Delphic Games that was going to be held in Jeju and compete in the performing arts category.

You see...the Delphic Games is an International Event, almost like the Olympics for art. It takes place every 4 years and all the nations come together to compete in categories like sculpture, poetry, dance, music, etc. This year's Delphic Games would be the third. The first was held in Georgia, the second in Kuching, Sarawak and the third in Jeju, Korea. So yes, we all applied, our applications went back to our specific countries and our countries then take a look at our CV and see whether we are fit to represent our countries in our respective fields because if something goes wrong we could do more harm than good in terms of representing our country.

So yes, my application was accepted and I was the only one from Malaysia competing in the performing arts category. (mind you, I didn't know the scale of this event till I actually got to Jeju). So we (Bouba, Divya and Marlow) were all given free tickets and accomodation to Jeju, The Land of the Gods. How much better could things get?

I HAVE NEVER BEEN MORE WRONG IN MY ENTIRE 24 YEARS OF EXISTENCE!!!

We landed in Jeju and the sky was clear and the water was blue and we were greeted by a lovely group of Ajumonis (aunty in Korean) who spoke English...yes, we loved Jeju...THEN! We then found out that Divya was staying at a different hotel, Bouba was staying at a different hotel and Marlow and I were staying at the same hotel. I thought that since our applications came from the same organisations we would be put together but then I guess we were separated according to our countries...

We got to our hotels and then I unpacked and went downstairs to speak to the volunteers at the Delphic Information desk to find out our next course of action. This is where the shit literally hit the fan...None, and I must stress, absolutely none of the volunteers knew what was going on. This is how the conversation went...

Me: Hello, my name is January and I am from Malaysia. Can I please have the schedule that was sent to you yesterday? (I called the lady in charge of the performing arts category and she told me that she was too busy and to get my schedule from downstairs because they "SENT" schedule to the hotels the night before)

Volunteer: I am sorry we don't have any schedule here.

Me: Do you know Dora?

Volunteer: I am sorry who?

Me: Dora...the lady in charge of the performing arts category.

Volunteer: I don't know who you are talking about.

Me: Ok, nevermind but can I have the schedule at least?

Volunteer: I am sorry we don't have any schedule.

Me: So, what am I supposed to do here and where should I go?

Volunteer: I am sorry I don't know...

DELPHIC INFORMATION DESK MY ASS...

So after much ping-ponging with this useless volunteer,I huff back to my room and sms my dear coordinator in Seoul and the first thing she asks me is if I went to the Delphic Information desk...sigh...."yes", I say...I was at the table with the Delphic Games poster and where everyone at that table was wearing the Delphic Games t-shirt. "Are you sure you went to the Delphic table and not the reception? Because the hotel reception won't have the information Jan..."..."yes, I am sure I went to the Delphic desk"...

Sigh...

How do I get myself into these things? So, I go back to my room, grab my things and head for a walk around Jeju...

As I am waiting to cross the traffic light, I see Marlow on the other side so I cross over and he asks me where I was going so I said nowhere so he tagged along and we walked around and found nothing but a market...This is what we saw...

Shoes

Famous Jeju Oranges

A Pig's Head

After our much useless walk I headed back to my room for a nap. We got ready for the evening's performance and headed over to the theatre. The show started off very well but when the second act (Buddhist Chanting by monks and nuns) continued and continued and continued......and continued......till Bouba got a headache. The the night ended with poetry reading which was quite nice.

The second day in Jeju turned out to be quite wonderful because I was surprised by a special someone who flew all the way to Jeju to be with me because he missed me so much...to that special someone...THANK YOU SO MUCH! I will never forget our trip to JEJU ever!

So yes, my Shahril came to Jeju to surprise me but I spoiled the surprise because I wanted to go to so many places and he had to keep me in my hotel room so I'd be there when he arrived so he had to tell me he was coming before he came...anyway once he arrived everything went wrong for both of us. We both think Jeju is cursed! So even more we hate Jeju....

For those of you that are planning to come to Korea and head over to Jeju please save your money and head to South East Asian beaches because the beaches in Jeju are nothing to shout about! Except if you want to shout profanity! We went to Iho and that was a COMPLETE DUMP, then we tried Hapjoe Beach and that was also a waste of time. Fighting on the way there and back also did not help matters at all...

So finally came the day we were in Jeju in the first place....the rehearsal and competition. On Saturday, we were greeted by the little miss sunshine's evil twin little miss grumpy. She never introduced herself or greeted us dancers (there were 30 of us from all over the world), she just said (word for word) "Can you all please get into the hall". Yes, nice to meet you too little miss grumpy...pleasure to be here...So in the hall we were made to listen to 2 music tracks, pick our track and then start rehearsing for our individul pieces.

After much time wasted we head to the performance space and rehearse our separate pieces and then I head back home. There was a huge disagreement about Bouba and me using our Ipods instead of CDs for our piece but everything got sorted out because we had a very kind and understanding sound technician.

Competition Day

We danced our hearts out. We danced our brains out. We danced...the three dancers that received the gold, silver and bronze medals didn't dance. They kissed watermelons, took off their clothes and ate paper.

How do you judge a dance competition? How do you know what the jugdes want? How do you know what the criteria is?

We never met the judges...we will never know...

Oh well...the next day I receive my per dium...Divya and Bouba on the other hand got into another argument with little miss grumpy. At the end of the day we all got different amounts of per dium. I don't understand.

I heard very positive things about the 2nd Delphic Games which was held in Kuching, Sarawak. As a Malaysian I probably would've expected this disorganisation from Malaysians...not from Koreans. But this Delphic Games really let me down, which is very sad because I don't know who will apply for the next one? The Delphic organisation is still very young and they really are trying to create an international platform for the arts. But after 2 steps have been taken forward I feel that three have been taken backwards after the way this was organised.

I truly hope for all our sake that the next Delphic Games will kick this Delphic Games's butt because after this whole ordeal all of us could only say...

JEJU MY ASS!!!

The Rainbow After the Storm...

I apologise for my "Eeyore" (Winnee the Pooh's eternally depressed donkey buddy) posts but I have been feeling rather down and I guess I have just been venting and writing whatever I have been feeling because I want to remember these moments of despair.


The reason behind my "Eeyore" vents is because I have just recently called off my engagement and broken up with my boyfriend of 6 years.


It WILL come as a shock to everyone I know because we seemed to be the "perfect" couple to everyone we knew. Well, almost everyone we knew...


I guess if I never came to Seoul, I wouldn't have gotten the space away from the relationship and I wouldn't have realised that:


(1) I AM way too young to get married.
(2) I cannot get married to someone who does not get along with my family.
(3) I give too much.
(4) I forgive too easily.
(5) I need to get back as much as I give.
(6) I need some space.
(7) I need to finish everything I need to finish without any commitments to anyone because I know that I will not be able to do everything I want to do without feeling guilty.
(8) I felt claustrophobic...


I know many people will hate me after this but I really cannot help but think that sooner is always better than later. I cannot go through with this a keep lying to him and his family. Losing his family was the most painful decision I had to make because they were wonderful to me and took me in as one of them and for that I will always be grateful.

My sister asked me the other day if I was ok and I said that I was. Then she asked me why I was ok so soon...and I told her that I think I was ok because I gave the relationship everything I had. I gave 500% of myself in the relationship and I put him in the number 1 spot. Everything else came after that and I think because I gave everything, I had nothing to mourn and nothing to regret. I know in my heart that there wasn't a single thing I could have done more for him.

I am also so far away from home. I am in a foreign land...nothing here reminds me of him or my life back in Malaysia. So being here is also a blessing because healing here will be so much easier.
I am also so lucky to be surrounded by friends and so much love. I have only known these people for 3 months but I feel like I have known them all my life...

I was thrown a wonderful surprise party by a very dear friend of mine and the trouble that they went through to make sure I was truly happy on my birthday will be remembered for the rest of my life.

I have also recently found a new room mate and she has made me so happy. Her name is oreo and she is as big as my palm. Yes, an impulsive buy but she has been so worth it. She is a baby bunny and is possibly the cutest little thing in the world. She is amazingly smart and has already won over all the hearts she has met...almost, like her mommy!

Well, after every storm is a rainbow and my oh my what a beautiful rainbow it is!

Drowning...

I can't sleep.

I feel like I am drowning.

Everyone wants to save me but they seem to be throwing the life jacket in the wrong direction.

It's like they feel like they are helping.

They feel like they are doing the right thing...

But I end up sinking deeper and deeper.

I feel like I am the life jacket.

I am the one who is supposed to save them.

But I end up sinking deeper and deeper.

I don't know why I feel this way.

Things are going great.

I have great friends.

My days are filled with exciting things to do.

This isn't normal...

I have been more than fine for the past 2 weeks.

But today...as I lie awake in bed...I feel like I can't breathe.

I don't know what to say.

I don't know what to do.

I just can't breathe.

My family is here but I still feel like I am drowning.

I am sinking...

But everything that goes down will one day bounce back up...

I will too...

Soon.

Racisim in Seoul...Part 2!

I don't know what is up with me and my current attraction of racisim but what happened to us just a few hours ago on the subway was so horrible that I would have never imagined something like that could happen in a city like this...

A couple of friends and I were on the subway back home after a free concert at Si Chong (City Hall) chit chatting and minding our own buisness when all of a sudden this slighty elder man started speaking to Zecda, a Mongolian friend who is very fluent in Korean and looks like one himself, and when Zecda translated what the man said I was appalled and shocked at what he said to us.

I don't know who he aimed this racial slur to but he said that Korea was not our country and we should show our respect by lowering our voices and not make so much noise.

I was so infuriated at what he had to say because Korean people are not the quietest people on the planet and they certainly not the most refined. They believe in pushing and shoving on subways, cutting in front of you to get onto a bus and train, stumbling all over the place after one too many soju shots...

So what is this supressed anger within that generation of Korean people? Do they think that we will one day take over the country?

I really hope that this will be my first and last of such an experience...it feels completely horrible to have someone tell you that you are unwelcome!

More bitter than sweet...

As I write this I feel as if I had butterflies for dinner.

As I write this I fear that I may have lost the love of my life.

As I write this I feel as if my world is crumbling.

I got engaged 2 months ago.

I couldn't have been happier.

I left for Seoul a week later.

I cried everytime I thought about him.

I cried everytime I received an sms from him.

I cried when I heard his voice.

I cried because I missed him.

He spent a week in Kl.

He was busy almost every night.

We couldn't skype.

I went to Busan.

I made friends.

I cried on a ferry.

I told him about it but he was out playing poker that night.

After that night, nothing has been the same.

On the night I needed him the most he wasn't there.

I realised I didn't need him to dust my knees anymore.

I can wipe away my own tears.

I can get up and dust my knees when I fall down.

I can read a map if I get lost.

Why is this happening to me now?

Why is it that when you are away for work and I don't hear from you it's ok?

Why is it when you are in another country and I don't hear from you it's ok?

Why don't you send me smses?

Why don't you reply my smses?

Why?

For the first time, I am allowed to do anything I want.

For the first time, I am 100% responsible for my actions.

For the first time, I am alone.

For this is the first time I feel that is ok to be alone.

I can't speak to you.

Why can't I speak to you?

How can I tell you about my fun when you are hurting over there?

Where do you think I am every night?

What do you think I am doing?

Who do you think I have become?

My heart is now in my stomach.

You don't reply my smses anymore.

We don't skype.

What does this mean?

Is this the end?

How can we work it out?

I am so far away.

I really am busy.

My weeks fly by like crazy.

What do you want me to do?

I think I am growing up.

I don't cry as much anymore.

I find it hard to cry.

I wish I could cry and let this pain go away.

But it has been accumulating and I feel like I am going to burst.

I don't know what you have been doing.

You don't know what I have been doing.

Even on skype we don't talk.

You don't talk.

You don't want to talk.

What do you want me to do?

What do you want me to do?

WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?

I have given you 200% of me.

I have given you all of me.

I have fought for you.

I have cried for you.

I have lied for you.

I have been hurt by you.

So badly hurt by you.

I had to see a shrink because of the hurt.

I had to pay for the shrink.

I HAD TO PAY TO GET RID OF THE HURT!

I don't know what to do anymore.

I don't know what I can do anymore.

I don't know what I should do anymore.

Is this how the story ends?

Just like this?

We are engaged.

We are supposed to love each other till we die.

We...

As I end this, the butterflies are still fluttering.

My stomach has a pulse.

I still can't cry...

O Isobel, look at what you've done...

My darling sister Claudia gave me her rose quartz stone for me to bring to Seoul to give me positive energy and strength as this trip to Seoul was the first and longest solo trip I have ever made.

However, little did I know how powerful this sweet little stone would be. The Rose Quartz or also known as the 'love stone' is supposed to be an emotional balancer. This stone (let's call her Isobel), Isobel is also supposed to help release bottled up emotions and help one understand the importance of change (especially big ones). Isobel is believed to be so powerful that it is said that she was the key to the rise and fall of the mythical civilisation known as Atlantis.

Well, enough of all of that...I have been sleeping with Isobel since I have arrived here and I think she has worked wonders for me. I wake up everyday feeling great, happy, at peace, confident. I seem to attract the opposite sex like a moth to a flame for some absurd reason as well (I blame Isobel!) and I seem to be receiving almost Princess-like treatment from everyone I meet and everywhere I go. Don't belive me? Keep reading...

Anecdote 1 - Usan (Umbrella-ella-ella-eh-eh-eh...)

I woke up one morning to a slight drizzle. The rain was almost over and so naturally I just brought a cap to cover my head from the drizzle. So as I was waiting downstairs for my other dance mates the drizzle became rain and the rain pelted its ass down. So I was too lazy to go back to my room to get my umbrella so I just thought ok...let's just get wet, but the sweet sweet ajoshi (old man) from my hostel gave each of us an umbrella, Bouba, Divya and I. And he really saved us that day because even after our workshop, the rain continued to pour, so upon returning the umbrella I also gave my sweet ajoshi a few buns from a bakery as a token of my appreciation.

You know what's funny? Just the other day it was raining and someone asked for an umbrella, but the ajoshi said that he didn't have any. Maybe people didn't return the umbrellas that were lent to them or maybe the other dude didn't have Isobel under his pillow! Go figure...

Anecdote 2 - Utility Charges

I base this anecdote upon the fact that I bought ajoshi bread for lending me the umbrella, but this anecdote is really whacky. You see, I have someone in my room all the time. Sometimes it's just one person, sometimes it's two, sometimes it's 10! But basically, my lights, water, electricity and air con is almost always on. I even have parties every Friday and Saturday night in my room...but I received my utility charges this month and it was lower than everyone else's! I was even lower than this guy who is never even in his room! HAH! Isobel...I love you!

Anecdote 3 - Free Meal

Just last Saturday, I suffered from a terrible hangover. I was vommiting from 9 am right up to noon. Why? Because I was a hero and had 5 bottles of Chong Ha all to myself. Seemed like a good idea at the time...so anyway I couldn't keep anything down. Even water...but I had to eat lunch so I went to the Samggyetang (Chicken Ginseng Soup) restaurant with Shahril and Dien and was going to share a bit of Shahril's food since I didn't have any appetite. But, Shahril told the ajoshi at the restaurant that my pae apayo (stomach ached) and asked him what should I eat. So the ajoshi brought out this broth that looked like kim chi soup with floating cubes of coagulated blood.

But since the ajoshi went through all the trouble I figured that I should eat it. So I ordered a bowl of rice and had it with the soup. Didn't try the blood though...thought I had puked enough for the day...

But the soup worked wonders for my hangover...and the best part? My meal was on the house..I asked him why and he said it was because I was Ipoda (pretty)...ha ha ha...O' Isobel you rock my world!

Shahril and I have this "grilled chicken on a skewer" that we are addicted to. We call it, "Ajumoni's Chicken" and we eat it almost every single day. So the other night after a long tiring session of No Rae Bang (Karaoke) we headed to Ajumoni's stall to buy some chicken but she was closing the stall but she told us to wait for 10 mins but we felt bad and told her that we'll cme back the next day.

So Sunday came and back to her stall we went...and this time she gave us a free stick of chicken! Isobel or Shahril? I think it was Isobel's charm...

Anecdote 4 - Free Phone

My final anecdote that will convert you to Isobelism...Shahril got his phone from some hole-in-the-wall shop in Itaewon for 10,000 won. That is considered very cheap because you basically get the phone free and you just pay 10,000 won for the pre-paid credit. So he took a bunch of us to Itaewon to get the phone but the store was closed, so we went the next day and guess what? They were giving away the phones plus the 10,000 won credit for FREE! Hah! I got my phone and 10,000 won worth of credit without paying a single cent...all because of you Isobel!

Need I say more? You get the picture now? However, all good things come at a price...there is trouble in Paradise but I will write about that another day...let's stay happy for one more day!